Tea with Mara

Life is full of surprises. During a particularly rough patch in my life, after the pandemic, I found a great life coach, who is now part of my wellness initiative, The Turiya. The book she recommended me to read saved me from a lifetime of hurt and guilt. During our long discussions on what I wanted to do in life, she pointed out that there was a definite recurring pattern, that of me being very hard on myself. I had brushed that away saying that there is nothing wrong in expecting perfection. But deep down inside I knew that I was not loving myself. “Self-love is bad, isn’t it? Isn’t it selfish and vain?” I often thought. But I had reached a place where I was not able to move in any meaningful direction.

Fortunately, I had met the right coach. She would bring the discussion on my lack of any love towards myself during every session. Then one day she asked me if I would read a book. I was eager to know which book it would be, and hoping it would be quick fix to all my problems. She suggested me to read/listen to “The Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach. And when I started the book, I realised that the author goes right into how we have become, in the first few pages of the book. She described my symptoms, as if she had written it for me. I used to struggle to explain my physical and mental state, and nothing explains it better than Ms. Brach when she says “like walking through molasses”. These were the exact words I needed to express myself. This book also led me to meditation and what would later become the endeavor of The Turiya.I am going to highlight some of my key learnings from this book.   

1. The Root of Suffering Is the Belief That We Are Not Enough

At the heart of human suffering lies what Brach calls the “trance of unworthiness”—a deep-seated conviction that we are flawed, inadequate, or undeserving of love. This belief often stems from childhood experiences, societal conditioning, or cultural pressures that equate worthiness with achievement, appearance, or perfection. When we internalize these messages, we live in a constant state of self-judgment, striving to prove our value while fearing rejection or failure. Brach explains that this trance keeps us trapped in cycles of anxiety, shame, and emotional isolation. The first step toward healing is recognizing this pattern and understanding that our suffering arises not from our circumstances but from our resistance to accepting ourselves as we are. 

Having grown in a dysfunctional family, like many others, love didn’t come naturally to me. My many failed relationships scarred me even more. Making me look at myself as a monster of sorts, not the scary kind, but one which sucked the life out of others. This was a very difficult task for me, to be able to look at myself lovingly and inwards. I would lose focus while listening to the book and I would play it again and again. It felt as though there was some defense mechanism to keep me this way, physically and mentally. I slowly became aware of this cycle of shame and self-reproach. Throughout I continued talking to my coach. The word “enough” happened to me again in the book, The Psychology of Money, another great read. I use the word “enough” a lot now, and I love how that word is so beautiful and freeing.

2. Radical Acceptance Combines Mindfulness and Compassion:

Radical Acceptance is not passive resignation but an active practice of meeting our present-moment experience with two essential qualities: mindfulness and compassion. Mindfulness involves observing our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without judgment—simply acknowledging what is happening within us. Compassion adds warmth and kindness to this awareness, as we might offer to a hurting friend. Together, these practices help us break free from the cycle of self-criticism by teaching us to hold our pain with tenderness rather than avoidance or aggression. Brach emphasizes that this shift—from fighting reality to embracing it—creates the foundation for genuine healing and transformation.  This is the transformation which changed me slowly and it was a very mindful exercise.

3. The RAIN Technique Helps Process Difficult Emotions:

Ms. Brach talks about acknowledging Mara. Mara is the demon who tried to seduce Siddharatha (Buddha) away from getting enlightened. She asks us to have a talk with our inner self in this process. There are so many layers of emotions and defense mechanisms around a particular trauma. Recognizing these and slowly uncovering what needs to be healed.

To navigate these challenging emotions, Brach introduces the ‘RAIN technique’, a four-step mindfulness tool: 

Recognize the emotion or thought (“I’m feeling anxious”). 

Allow it to be present without trying to change or suppress it (“It’s okay that this is here”). 

Investigate with gentle curiosity (“Where do I feel this in my body? What does it need?”). 

Nurture with self-compassion (“May I be kind to myself in this moment”). 

RAIN helps us move from reactive suffering to mindful presence, allowing emotions to arise and pass naturally. By practicing RAIN regularly, I cultivated emotional resilience and reduced the power of negative self-talk.   

4. Acceptance Is Not Passivity—It Creates Space for Genuine Change

A common misconception about Radical Acceptance is that it encourages complacency or resignation. Brach clarifies that true acceptance is not about giving up but about ‘ceasing the inner war’ against reality. When we stop resisting our emotions, we gain clarity and energy to respond skillfully rather than react impulsively. For example, someone struggling with addiction might find that accepting their cravings with compassion (rather than shame) actually weakens their grip. Similarly, acknowledging feelings of anger or sadness without judgment allows them to dissipate naturally. Brach argues that real growth begins when we stop fighting ourselves and instead work ‘with’ our experiences. 

This part happened for me in a meditation retreat where I was confronted by my past, which I had tried to bury under layers of guilt and shame, and as they showed themselves to me one by one, I had a hearty conversation with each of them, and as tears rolled down my cheeks, I began unburdening myself from events which happened to me as a child. Acceptance and looking at it in its eye is for me the most important work one should do in one’s lifetime. Life becomes easy, you feel lighter and younger. 

5. Self-Compassion Leads to Deeper Connections and Inner Freedom:

The ultimate gift of Radical Acceptance is the rediscovery of our innate wholeness. When we stop measuring ourselves against impossible standards, we begin to experience ‘true belonging’- not as a reward for achievement, but as our birthright. Brach shares that self-compassion fosters healthier relationships, as we no longer project our insecurities onto others or seek external validation. Additionally, by embracing imperfection, we cultivate gratitude for life’s ordinary moments, finding joy in simply being rather than constantly striving. Over time, this practice dissolves the illusion of separation, reconnecting us with ourselves, others, and the world in a more authentic and fulfilling way.  

Final Reflections

These five principles intertwine to form a roadmap out of suffering and into liberation. Radical Acceptance is not a one-time fix but a daily practice of returning to presence, kindness, and courage. As Brach writes, ‘When we meet our moments with Radical Acceptance, we discover the freedom of living from love rather than fear.’ 

For those who are “stuck in molasses”, all I wish for you, is that you find yourself and fall in love with yourself, deeply and unconditionally. This book gives us all hope, that humans can be free and loving.